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Pants and Ignoring Standards

Happy February! I've had these photos in a folder for a couple months now, not really knowing what to write about (besides the look). I've recently been listening to Megan Tan's podcast Millennial and love the raw honesty of it, so I thought I'd just start writing and share my life and my own (hopefully relatable) struggles.

As promised for each look I post, here is the rundown. I wore this look out shopping around Christmas time when it was oddly warm in Charlottesville. My pants are a new favorite from Anthropologie's sale section (similar here, here, and here). They are super comfortable but not too thin or unstructured. We all know I love a little flare in a pant, and I think this one is a very tasteful version - aka not to extreme. The top is a simple ribbed number from Madewell (similar here). The jacket I threw on is a light soft one from J Crew Factory's sale (similar here and here). I paired the look with large gold hoops and my trusty creepers. I happened to have socks that match the jacket pretty well (also from Madewell because where else?). I kept styling simple to keep the look focused on my pants and the rust color of my jacket.

I’ve been back at school working on my first “real” semester since taking time off. I’m back taking studio classes with a real educational workload. I’m trying hard to find motivation to get everything done in a timely way, but recently, I’ve had another medication change that has thrown me off a little. Sometimes I find myself frustrated that in over a year of trying medications, I haven’t found a combination that really does the job for me.

However, I’m getting better at being patient with myself in terms of not criticizing myself when I need to take a night off from doing work. I’ve been well trained to value education over most everything, and it still feels wrong to think about how not doing work until I fall asleep is okay. Of course, there’s a balance to it that I’m still figuring out. On the flip side, I’m finding myself being more productive during the day, knowing that I might not be in studio doing work until 10 PM.

In other news, this semester I’m dealing with more reminders of last year when I wasn’t doing well. Sometimes, I find it hard to separate myself now from myself in the past. I might be going to more appointments and needed to take off more time than I did then, but I’m handling life so much better without having excessive breakdowns or feeling intense pressure from my own “standards”. It’s still hard to view spending less time doing work as being beneficial to me and my future career. Not only that, but I’m feeling insecure sitting with students who used to be a grade below me, but I know the insecurity only spurs from own perceptions that other students might notice I’m not with the grade of student I used to be with. That doesn’t mean I’m weak or can’t handle school. The best moments are when my friends remind me of the progress I’ve had and how healthy I am now. I know deep down it was all worth it, and I can handle whatever life throws at me now.

I'm so lucky to have the support I have now. I know. I feel more in control of my life than ever, and even if that meant going against the standard of having a four year college experience (and gaining more loans), I know I will be entering the workforce with the skills to lead a high achieving AND sustainable lifestyle. I wish I could better express the fear of leaving school and coming back because the decision was not easy, and I was forced to trade out some friends and opportunities. However, the best decisions are not always easy or clear. I'm also lucky to have a couple friends also taking fifth years (so at least I won't have to see all my friends graduate before me), and I'm coming out having better taken advantage of myself and my time.

Honestly, I could ramble about this for a while, so I'll cut it off here. Thanks for taking time to read my words despite how all over the place they might be.

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